She Who Must Be Obeyed

this got a tad bit lengthier than i thought it would. i am posting this because, if i am crying over cassie this morning, you all will just have to as well. she has not been very well these past few days with her megaesophagus, regurgitating and with a hacking cough, but today she is fine as frog's hair. yesterday, we were having to put her out front because she could not handle the back porch stairs, and this morning she hopped up and down the back porch stairs like a puppy.

it is so hard for me to admit what a ride it is for me that her health is a rollercoaster. this morning is the first time i have truly cried over this situation - i think i have been making myself so busy with making her food and getting her pills ready and finding her treats she can safely eat and making her beds up and washing the dog towels and holding her up and all of these little things to keep me occupied. i have been so afraid that i will never stop crying if i start, and that is pretty much what is happening.

i thought i was ready for this. i have to admit that she is getting worse - i can feel her esophagus has enlarged and i am having to work her food way down to her clavicles, where before i could just massage her throat a bit and she would be fine. Cassie-No-Love is not amused, what with her aversion to too much "handling", but it is working. she is very interested in what toby and dad are doing, and she can still run one an incredible rash if she is displeased with one. she still can cuss you out you until a fly would not pitch on you. but the good runs of days are getting shorter. where she could go for about 2 weeks with no problems, she is going about 2 days on and 2 days off. and the bad days are bad, but the good days are so good, she will even play with toby's toys in the yard and she will spend lots of time exploring outside. she will even mouth me to play a little.

and just when i promise myself after a day or two of her being ill that tomorrow will be the day, tomorrow comes and she wanders into my office and bumps me with that big nose of her, or she is bright and perky, and i cannot do it... the below is from a book due out this spring written by a man who lost his dogs, one to cancer and one to kidney disease, about their journey together. this is an all-out weeping, snot-running-down read, but very cathartic...and does not just apply to sick animals.

BEEZER’S TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO FEEL GUILTY

(Compiled by Beezer the Black Lab from the Bridge and sent back to Earth.)

10. Jeez! If you’re born, you die. Think about it dad.

9. Fear is the real enemy, not kidney disease. Fear is curable. I’m with you right now, just invisible. I’ll be waiting at the Bridge when you arrive. Don’t be afraid. Trust me.

8. Live with balance. The list of what went “right” with my life is so much bigger than the list of what went “wrong.” My body died from kidney disease, but my spirit always soared because of you.

7. What you focus on expands. Honor my earthly life and memory. Does feeling guilty help you remember all our good times, adventures and mutual love?

6. Live with Presence! Don’t despair about yesterday. Don’t fear tomorrow. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the Gift of Today.

5. Thank you for taking my pain into your heart on that last day. I’m so proud of you for that selfless act.

4. Didn’t you always forgive me when I made a mistake? I forgive you for any mistake you made during my illness. You made the best decisions possible with the information available at that time. All I took with me on my final earthly journey was our love. Please accept my forgiveness and release the guilt.

3. Pat yourself on the back in between crying. Your effort to treat me was a supreme act of humanity, love and compassion. Our relationship was never more meaningful than during my illness. Please recognize your character and commitment. I do.

2. Guilt is what you humans do to punish yourself for not being perfect.

1. You didn’t have a cure for a fatal disease. My body stopped working because of this fatal disease, not because of something you did or did not do.

© Doug Koktavy

May 1, 2005

Doug and the B Brothers

From my upcoming book:

The Legacy of Beezer and Boomer:
Lessons on Living & Dying From My Canine Brothers

Release Spring, 2009

and this is cassie giving us all "the butt" - i think over the years we have seen this view of her more than her face - she is not called "Cassie-No-Love" for no reason ...